I am that awkward person who never knows what to say in some situations. And I usually end up saying something dumb or something that does not make any sense. It wasn't until I went through the journey of cancer that made me realize that there are different ways to say some commonly heard phrases. Please hear me when I say this is not meant to be an attack. But rather an insight into the way I processed statements while going through cancer treatment.
1. "It's just hair. It'll grow back."
Yes, I know that it's just hair. As any woman, going through hair loss due to chemo, will tell you, she knows that it is just hair. As much as I would like to deny it, as a woman our hair is a lot of our identity. We invest time, money, energy into getting it styled just right. We pin 18,989,483,985,849,894 pins on Pinterest with ideas of what we would like for our hair to look like. We buy products to have more volume, more hold, more softness, more shine, no oil. We color it in various colors of the rainbow. And here is cancer robbing me of my hair which I love and have great pride in.
Instead of saying "it's just hair"try
a. "You look amazing."
b. "I love your bald head."
c. "You are rocking the no-hair look."
I don't know what a person who wears a wig wants to hear because I couldn't do a wig. Way too hot for me. So you wig wearers what comments made you feel good? Please tell us in the comments!!!!
2. "You have to eat."
Yes, I know that eating is important. I know that I get nutrients from eating and I need strength. But I also know that food tastes like crap. After my first round of chemo, everything tasted metallic. This alone makes you not want to eat anything. The only thing that I craved was salads or something cold. Keep in mind I was still recovering from having my tonsils removed which made eating impossible for two weeks prior to starting treatment. I also had gotten used to not eating anything other than jello and soup during that time. In the second round of chemo, I lost all taste. I ate an M&M and nothing. I tasted nothing. That takes all the fun out of eating.
This is a tricky area. I am not the type of person who wanted you to get tough and "make" me eat. Instead, my family tried everything. Michael bought baby food. Kimberly made endless pasta salad which was one of the only things I could eat. Amy brought protein shakes. My mom cooked whatever I thought I might want. Let me assure you, once I was able to eat, I ate. It usually took me about 7-10 days after my treatment to start getting back to norm.
We were blessed to have friends and family bring us food. I don't know what we would have done without that. It is a relief to not have to figure that part of our lives out. With that being said, a person who has just finished with rough chemo will probably not know what sounds good to them. Just bring something. Give a gift card to a restaurant you know they like. Drop off a family meal. However, bringing food every day is too much because then there is a lot of wasted food.
3. "You have to drink."
Yea, Yea, Yea. I know I have to drink. I tried eating popsicles. I got Kool-Aid to mix into my water. Just the action of drinking seemed to take more energy than I could muster.
I preferred to drink out of a straw. For me to pick up a cup/glass and tilt back my head to do a normal drinking movement was too much. So if I had a straw, I could cut down the steps of drinking. This will also sound weird but it was harder for me to make myself drink if I was drinking out of a clear cup. For me, seeing the water level made it harder for me to drink. Solo cups work great because they are also lightweight.
To keep from getting dehydrated, I spoke with my oncologist about coming back to the chemo center the next three days after my treatment to get IV fluids. From what I have learned, this is not uncommon.
4. "Go lay down in bed and rest."
Oh gosh, my husband would get so irritated with me. He could tell when I was on the verge of completing crashing while I was completely oblivious. The week after my chemo treatment, I was usually in bed by 6:30 every night. I had chemo treatments right before Thanksgiving and Christmas and just wanted to spend time with family but I had no stamina to do so. He could see the look in my eyes and would say "It's time to go." I did not want to hear it. I wanted to spend time with family. I wanted to watch a movie with him. And I did not want to be told what to do.
Cancer people, let me say this to you. If you are one who wants to just lay on the couch all day and think you are resting, know that it is not the same as lying in bed. I was able to relax more so in bed than on the couch. I would have sworn to you there was no difference BUT I now know there is a huge difference. So learn yourself and know when it is time to go lay down in bed. As much as you don't want to hear this it is important.
There, Michael, I said it. đ. You were right.
5. "My ____ had cancer and (any variations of the following:) died, cancer came back, or they were doing better than this."
THIS IS THE MOST NO-NO OF ALL STATEMENTS THAT YOU COULD EVER MAKE.
The last thing that any cancer warrior wants to hear is that someone you know or are kin to died of cancer. Cancer is scary and filled with so many unknowns. As a cancer Warrior, you struggle with the fear of cancer taking your life. This cancer warrior may be going through test after test. Seeing specialist after specialist. And some days it is a struggle to get out of bed. We don't need to hear how Great Aunt Sally took chemo and was able to climb Mount Everest the next day while I am doing good to brush my teeth without gagging. Or that Bill from church got through cancer just for it to come back again. Or Cousin Joe just died of same cancer.
Cancer Warriors - every chemo cocktail or treatment is different for every person. No one reacts the same way. You are going to recover differently. You are going to figure your body out and what works best for you. And not only that, but you feel different after each treatment. Do not listen to those who share those horror stories.
People - DO NOT be those people who tell those with cancer everyone you know who has died from cancer. Don't try to "one-up" them and tell all cancer stories you know. Don't tell someone with cancer "I hope it doesn't come back again like so and so's." Do not give advice if you 1. are not asked or 2. are not asked. Not a typo. You read it correctly. A person with cancer is under the care of many health care professionals that deal with it on a daily basis. You only need to offer encouragement and an ear to listen if and when the one with cancer is ready to talk. Not every Warrior is ready to talk and tell you about every step of their journey.
#1 Advice ... Grace
Please remember to give grace. That is the number 1 piece of advice I can give to anyone who is caring for or wanting to encourage a new cancer patient. That new cancer Warrior does not know how to act and will not be acting like themselves. They have been given not only the worst news of their life but are probably being swamped with information from so many different angles. There is a lot to learn when you are a new cancer patient.
Cancer Warriors, give grace to your caregivers. They don't know how to act either. This is all new for them as well. They are now the caregivers of their formerly healthy active spouse as well as taking care of the house and, for us, the dogs. They are dealing with their emotions while trying to be strong for you. For some spouses, maybe they have not been the ones paying the bills or handling the day to day tasks with the house. And if you are a control freak, they probably are not doing it to your standards. So give grace.
Caregivers, give grace to your loved one with cancer. We want to be strong for you guys but our minds are blown. I was not used to having to rely on someone to help me do daily tasks. I had never had to have help taking a shower or getting dressed. I was not used to not being able to take care of myself. And, friends, that is a hard thing to admit. Caregivers, please know we are appreciative even when we don't act like it.
I realized as I was typing this that not everyone has the amazing support system that I have. Reach out for help from your cancer center. There are professionals that can put you in contact with the appropriate channels for help. Reach out to your church or to friends. Reach out to me and I will help you find help in your area.
I would love to hear from you guys! Drop a comment below any other suggestions that we can share!!!